December 29, 2010

plant



I just repotted this plant I’ve had for at least five years now. When I bought her, in Chinatown, she was a real beaut, her one thick green sprout sprouting all about like it did. Five years is a personal record for me as far as plant maintenance goes. I’m pretty proud of myself, but I’m really proud of my plant. So I decided to reward her with a repotting. (An occasion both of us were previously foreign to.)

Upon initial purchase, my plant was just a wee one. But after five years, three rooms, and countless neglect, she has done nothing but blossom. Where once there was one wee sprout, now there are four hearty stalks. And the new pot is really sleek. With all the newfound space, there’s something about the re-arrangement that has all the makings of an allegory, though I’m not quite sure what it is.

The longest of the sprouts is the leanest. He’s also got the best view, though his space is certainly being crouched upon. I assume he’s also the oldest, though I lost track during that one year I can’t remember. I like to call him Godfather. Sometimes I’ll talk to him like a wiseguy. He usually likes that. I’ll say, “Hey Godfather, how’s it growing?”

The strongest stalk is the fattest. He is the most naturally greedy. He is the fittest. I call him Hardy Sprout. If you look closely, you can see that Hardy Sprout is the baddest man in the pot. He’s the bat swinging alpha male who sees his environment as his resource. And he’s got the sweet core, the peacock feathers of foliage, and the erect posture to prove he’s at least somewhat right. (I even try to water away from him, but he’s too crafty.)

The next healthiest and second thickest stalk is also the shortest. He reminds me a bit of myself: not a lot of flash but good longevity. He’s definitely gonna be with me for the next five years bar some sort of invasion. His name is The Short Guy. He’s my choice if I have to pluck one out of the ground in a hurry in order to replant him as the last ditch opportunity to save his species from extinction.

There’s also one other guy who looks like he’s been there nearly as long as the Godfather, but I can’t think of him as having any Allegorical value.

I do know this about the plant. Where once stood one stalk, which could be sold as a plant (granted there are no size requirements as to what makes a sellable plant in Chinatown), now stand four equally commercially viable sprouts. Sure it ain’t Jack’s beanstock, but this progress is quantifiable. We’re dealing with real numbers, not imaginary computer blips, here. This is as quantifiable a production as anything else in these five years.

December 14, 2010

The State of Like in America



Two days ago was my best day yet. Or at least it was my blog’s best day.

A buddy of mine put me in touch with this guy, Ed, who works with some other guys over at this website called Neatorama. And they were nice enough to put the link to my blog on their Facebook page

Because of that, I had almost 300 hits! About 280 more than I’m used to having on any given Tuesday. Which is a pretty darn good increase, percentage-wise, but by no means viral. Or really even enough to make a penny on. I’m serious: not even one penny.

But still, I was so thankful to Ed for the cyber love. Like really thankful. Like exclamation points thankful! I actually can’t remember a better day since my wedding. (It has only been 5 months, and I have a really poor memory.)

Watching that stat tracker spike! Then trying to figure out where the traffic was coming from with the intensity of a movie hacker. Then finding the source to be Neatorama’s Facebook page and the 6,000 people who Like it. What a great way to spend a Tuesday!

And just like that, I understood social networking. It’s all about the love. Well, more like the Like. That’s how an audience grows. You link. I link. You Like. I Like. A quid pro quo Gazpacho. All these minds. All these ideas. Tangled up in this web. And whoever’s Liked the most, wins.

But me liking Ed isn’t nearly as important as him liking me. Because he’s more popular. And I want to be popular.
Since Ed liked my cartoons, and thought they were worth liking, he also offered to link me up to a bigger site he has some hooks in.

While I was ever thankful to Ed for such great news, I knew my site wasn’t ready for the big time just yet. So I spent several hours trying to get a Facebook Page made specifically for my cartoon blog. And then I spent several more hours trying to send that Page to all my “Friends” – friends I’ve basically been spamming regularly for the past three months.

I stayed up way too late getting the blog just right. I even did another cartoon, which I finished at exactly 3:30 in the morning, an hour which often gives me a false sense of quality.

Anyway, I went to bed hopeful. Ready to wake up and be presented to the world. My artistic cotillion!

Unfortunately, I woke up this morning to find the cyber-love had run dry. Ed said the link would have to wait till Monday. And out of my 576 Facebook friends, only 10 Like my Page, and that includes me and my wife.

On my Facebook Wall, I saw my latest post, a link to my latest cartoon – a cartoon I spent the better part of four hours creating. The cartoon which is currently leaving me sleep-deprived and neck-pained. The one that not one person Liked.

And then I looked at the post above my own. It was from a “Friend” of mine who had stayed up all night and successfully completed a really difficult stage of World of Warcraft. A feat which four people currently Like. A feat which currently makes me question the state of Like in America.

December 8, 2010

That's Why Yellow Makes Me Sad-AdPock

AdPock needed a therapist after his latest therapy session.

November 30, 2010

George Full of Threes

Last night, George had a triumph. And it wasn’t like his life was full of those.
    George had been playing online poker again. It was about midnight by the time he had lost his fifth hand in a row, all in pitiful fashion. He wasn’t good. He had to face that. Maybe not perpetually bad, but recently bad, for sure. 
    At such a low, George faced a choice. If he wanted a chance at financial redemption, he would have to put more money in his online poker account. Again. 
    In spite of his predicament, George surprised himself by his own assertiveness. Like a movie hacker, blind with focus, George swiftly and courageously dragged the online poker application into the trash! George raised his hands to the heavens. In triumph, perhaps? Perhaps supplication? 
    Next morning, George stared at his computer for a long time. His glory waning fast. Finally, he made himself a deal. George opened his computer, dragged his mouse to the trash, and as fate would have it, the online poker application was still there! George had miraculously forgotten to empty his trash. 
    It was the sign George was looking for. Without hesitation, George put $22 into his account, changed his avatar, and anted up. 

FUCKING TRUCKS!

November 29, 2010

Just Ducky

.
Deborah had all her ducks in a row. Except for that pesky Jew duck.

November 24, 2010

Discover Card Don

Don loved using his Cash Back Rewards Card because it made him feel like he actually had an income.

November 16, 2010

Repeat Pete

After a good twenty minutes, Pete finally realized he was caught in the midst of a vicious rinse/repeat cycle. That's when Pete knew he had to stop smoking weed before showering.

November 15, 2010

One Less Thing


I just read a headline that said, “Study Shows People Who Drink 6 Daily Cups of Coffee Live Just as Long as People Who Don't”. As I suspected, drinking coffee is no more beneficial, or detrimental, as not drinking coffee.
I didn’t read beyond the headline, of course, because my phone isn’t really set up for full articles. But neither am I really; I’m definitely more of a big picture guy than a specific fine print type.
So as far as I’m concerned, this golden nugget of information about caffeine needs no further substantiation. I’ve weaned what I need from the headline alone: I need not worry about how much caffeine I drink. Case closed. One less thing. I will go on drinking coffee with the same sort of needy dependence as ever.

November 3, 2010

What up, G?

It’s been a while since I last wrote for GLiving. Apparently, they’ve changed their style a bit. Formerly, as an eco-blogger there, my task was to take any old green story or product and simply rattle off my witty feelings about it.
But now, having been invited to write for them yet again, I find that Gliving has shifted towards a more lifestyle-oriented approach. I’ve been asked to get personal. To pick something “G”, that I am passionate about, and to actually write what I know for once, instead of just what I feel.
Which I think is groovy. I love the new direction. I love that the people who write there really know what they are talking about.
Unfortunately, I don’t know if I fit into this category. Sure, I know about what I feel, but what do I know about what I actually do? “G” speaking, of course.  Beyond my politics, what exactly makes me green?
As I started to think about my own “G” lifestyle, specifically the parts worth writing about, nothing really came to mind.
I recycle. Sure. What kind of evil bloodsucker doesn’t? But while I may be a bit more obsessive about it then most, I still wouldn’t consider it a lifestyle choice. Heck, with how much I rinse my recyclables, I probably waste more water than I save landfill space.
I guess I don’t drive much; that’s “G”, right? But that’s more a result of having no place to go.
I choose draught tolerant plants, but that’s only because I can’t keep any other kind alive.
I shop at Trader Joes, for the most part. I even use my own grocery bags. But I refuse to buy their dishwasher soap. I’m sorry, but the world will end a lot sooner if I have water spots. And mostly I just like cheap wine.
I rescued a dog, but that’s only because when I looked into his eyes Chicago’s “You’re The Inspiration” started playing down from the heavens.
Maybe I’m just not cut out to be “G”? Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I feel like the green movement is too much like my Jewish mother. Kvetch! Kvetch! Kvetch! Nothing but grief. 
And I’m just not motivated by guilt, cause I know, I can never be good enough.
But unlike Mother Pockross, Mother Earth will not love me unconditionally.

October 31, 2010

Artist Art

Now that his Pop 2000 Cattle-Prod had come back from the mechanic, Art was finally ready to shock the world again.

October 21, 2010

Bipartisan Bill

Bill was beginning to wonder at what point the president’s emails should become spam.

October 20, 2010

Julio


I want to be my own man.
To be free.
But media,
Pop culture,
Society,
Past,
Present,
Future,
always the fucking future,
Influence us at our most dependent times.
But rebelliousness and independence are two flips of the same coin.

October 9, 2010

Nesting Nick

Nick was super psyched to be in a relationship. He just didn’t have the energy to trick any more girls into sleeping with him.

October 6, 2010

Glory Days Glenn

Glenn was totally happy for his team, no doubt. But a wispy, melancholy part of him wished he had his own playoffs to prepare for.

October 3, 2010

Country Mike

Mike was really enjoying country music lately, it was great to run to. But he did worry about becoming a republican.

October 1, 2010

September 24, 2010

Leftover Larry


Sure, Larry was worried what his wife might say if she found nothing but the one half-eaten piece of pizza left in the box, but he was much more worried about her throwing it out.

Edward & the Magic Eight Ball


Edward: So I’m the one in charge?

Eight Ball: As I see it, yes.

Edward: But you have all the answers?

Eight Ball: Ask again later.

Edward: You at least have some of the answers, right?

Eight Ball: Better not tell you now.

Edward: Like is now a good time to buy Cysco stock?

Eight Ball: Cannot predict now.

Edward: Okay, how about … will a six foot supermodel love me?

Eight Ball: Concentrate and ask again.

Edward: Will a six foot supermodel love me?

Eight Ball: Don't count on it.

Edward: Will someone love me?

Eight Ball: It is certain.

Edward: Will it hurt?

Eight Ball: It is decidedly so.

Edward: Will it be worth it?

Eight Ball: Most likely.

Edward: What if it’s not.

Eight Ball: My reply is no.

Edward: No what? No it's not likely or no it's not worth it?

Eight Ball: My sources say no.

Edward: No what?

Eight Ball: Outlook not so good.

Edward: Not so good to not be worth it? Or worth it?

Eight Ball: Outlook good.

Edward: Good for me?

Eight Ball: Reply hazy, try again.

Edward: Good for me?

Eight Ball: Signs point to yes.

Edward: Like, rah rah, “good for me!” yes? Or, like, “good for me” like you’re being sarcastic, yes?

Eight Ball: Very doubtful.

Edward: So it’s not good for me?

Eight Ball: Without a doubt.

Edward: Without a doubt, it is not good for me?

Eight Ball: Yes. Yes--definitely.

Edward: Definitely not good?

Eight Ball: Outlook good.

September 22, 2010

Back-of-His-Hand Brad

Brad thought he was starting to understand a thing or two about a thing or two. But then one day, as he was washing up before dinner, he found a mysterious blemish on the back of his hand. Suddenly, Brad wondered if he’d ever really known anything at all.

September 16, 2010

Artist Art

Now that Art's Pop 2000 cattle prod had arrived, he was finally ready to shock the world.

September 12, 2010

Freedom

Yesterday, by all accounts, had all the makings of a beautiful day. My wife finally had a Sunday off. The weather was supposed to be perfect. And the most happening street fair, The Abbot Kinney Festival, was taking place one town over.
Alas, it was a Sunday. And not only were the Denver Broncos playing, but the Colorado Rockies were facing a must win.
I had been greatly disappointed by both teams in the past. And I have struggled with my fanatical allegiance to Denver sports as the most silly and uncontrollable of my addictions. But, I had become fed up living for the hopes and dreams of other, stronger men.
So on Thursday, after the Broncos lost another running back to a pulled hamstring, I agreed to skip watching the game to go to the fair with said wife. 
However, when it came time to getting off the couch and foraging into the sunlight, I could not shake the fact that my teams needed me. How could I expect them to fight, if I was not there in the trenches with them?
Fortunately, my wife's needs are more immediately pressing than my teams’. So, I reluctantly got ready. I grumbled my way through my shower. I grumbled my way out the door. I grumbled all the way to the fair. I grumbled even more as we paid $20 for parking.
But as I walked through the crowd, I got swept up. It took me exactly one lunch truck to get over myself. There was energy and vibrance and art in the air. There were good friends to talk to. Beautiful freaks to look at. And beers to drink in the sunshine.
And, yes, both my teams lost. But while I still blame myself for those losses, I have a tan face, a full belly, and a happy wife to assuage my guilt.

September 11, 2010

Nervous Ned

Ned looked in the mirror and flinched. Again, he thought he was getting pulled over. That was when Ned decided to shave his mustache.

Tuned-in Cam

As Cameron watched his third football game of the day, he began to feel a bit lethargic. But then he remembered how very important all the games were.

September 8, 2010

Joey Bag-a-Salted-Almonds

Joey Bags had okay hair all his life. Then one day, he up and died! At his funeral, the lady in charge of making Joey presentable accidentally parted his hair on the wrong side. Everyone thought Joey looked much better.

September 4, 2010

one cool cat



One chick, two chick
Black chick, Jew chick
That one looks good in a car
That one looks good from a far
That one’s got some funky hair
That one’s skin is freckled fair
I like em when they pump their gas
I like em when they shake their ass
I like em when they jam on bass
I like em when they’re in your face
Three chick four chick
Good chick, whore chick
That one jiggles when she runs
That one seems a slave to sun

But five chick six chick
I start to learn
Of the good chicks I dig
For whom I yearn
For whom I live
For whom I give.
And then comes seven-chick. Turns out she's the one.

September 3, 2010

Fancy Pants Frank

Frank wasn’t particularly pleased with his new shampoo/conditioner; it just didn't give his hair the proper texture. But though he knew it would be a long, unsatisfying road, Frank pledged to use up the whole tube before he bought a more luxury brand.

Bad-Aim Brad


As he mopped the floor, Brad wondered if he would rather sneeze while driving or peeing.

Andy Andy

Andy was really hungry. Not really hungry, really. Not like anyone who watched LiveAid back in ‘85 would consider really hungry. But still, really hungry for Andy. A while later, Andy pulled into the first McDonalds he saw. Well, the first one on his right.

September 1, 2010

Sid Livschitz

At last count, on Saturday, Sid had exactly 43 different species of plants on his balcony. Sid didn't know any of their names, Latin or otherwise.

August 31, 2010

Too-Serious Tom


As Tom peed, he realized she was right there in the other room, there beyond that wall. There alone, waiting for him to make a move.


He peed with vigor after that, because vigor was all he had with her.

August 30, 2010

Redhead Ed


Redhead Ed read a headline that said: “Salt Only Bad for Some People”.


Redhead Ed automatically assumed he was not one of those people.


A while later, he went down to the snack truck and bought a bag of Ruffles.

August 23, 2010

babababababaaahhhhh



Jan McTan takes her baby, Dan, to the coffee shop, at precisely three each weekday, to meet her Mommy Coffee Group. Dan and the other coffee babies aren't even big enough to get out of their buggies yet. Or maybe they’re just not allowed out.
The Coffee Mommies sit there and drink complex coffee drinks. Chit-chatting away, while the babies stare up at the ceiling.
To Dan, the world appears a scary place, until a random coffee shop weirdo puts his dreadlocks over the stroller and babababababaaahhhhhs.

Rosarita


Rosarita was a hot senorita,
A hot senorita indeed.
I met her at a Christmas party.
I asked her if she'd dance with me.
I asked her nice, I even said please.
But Rosarita didn’t want to dance with me.
She said she was a lesbian bisexual identified
in the same sentence she told me she was from Topeka.

August 6, 2010

College


Moose didn’t know which was better, his two story bong or his two story funnel?

Brooming Brad


The other day, Brad cleaned so anally he started cleaning the cleaning products. He spent twenty minutes cleaning his broom. Brad got so tired, he couldn’t actually go through with sweeping the kitchen floor.

August 5, 2010

NaNoo NanNoo


G. Green Freeman is kinda Jewish, mostly by food. But every year, G. feels guilty enough to test the religious waters again and go to temple for Rosh Hashana.  This year, when G. went to Hollywood for shul, he saw Spock and Captain Kirk, wearing Yarmulkes and talking to one another.  G figured there was two ways of looking at such a sight. He could realize the whole religion thing is about as real as a television show about space. Or, he could believe the television show about space had more to do with Judaism than he first thought.

August 4, 2010

Sucker-Punch Sam


I don't have any angle really. I don't have a goal. No subtext.


Just trying to have a good time. You know. Without hurting anyone.


But if you have a problem with that, world. I will kick your ass.

July 27, 2010

ungah


HERE

he knows
his cave
here
his woman
here
his cat his dog his child
here
in this spot.
sacred
hallowed ground.
here in the canyon
here out at sea.
free to hear.
the land begs a truce from me.
free to hear
a land
greater than me.