one cool cat

One chick, two chick
Black chick, Jew chick
That one looks good in a car
That one looks good from a far
That one’s got some funky hair
That one’s skin is freckled fair
I like em when they pump their gas
I like em when they shake their ass
I like em when they jam on bass
I like em when they’re in your face
Three chick four chick
Good chick, whore chick
That one jiggles when she runs
That one seems a slave to sun

But five chick six chick
I start to learn
Of the good chicks I dig
For whom I yearn
For whom I live
For whom I give.
And then comes seven-chick. Turns out she's the one.

Fancy Pants Frank

Frank wasn’t particularly pleased with his new shampoo/conditioner; it just didn't give his hair the proper texture. But though he knew it would be a long, unsatisfying road, Frank pledged to use up the whole tube before he bought a more luxury brand.

Bad-Aim Brad

As he mopped the floor, Brad wondered if he would rather sneeze while driving or peeing.

Andy Andy

Andy was really hungry. Not really hungry, really. Not like anyone who watched LiveAid back in ‘85 would consider really hungry. But still, really hungry for Andy. A while later, Andy pulled into the first McDonalds he saw. Well, the first one on his right.

Sid Livschitz

At last count, on Saturday, Sid had exactly 43 different species of plants on his balcony. Sid didn't know any of their names, Latin or otherwise.

Too-Serious Tom

As Tom peed, he realized she was right there in the other room, there beyond that wall. There alone, waiting for him to make a move.


He peed with vigor after that, because vigor was all he had with her.

Redhead Ed

Redhead Ed read a headline that said: “Salt Only Bad for Some People”.


Redhead Ed automatically assumed he was not one of those people.


A while later, he went down to the snack truck and bought a bag of Ruffles.