July 22, 2015

Tough Luck Toby

Toby liked to start his day with a game of solitaire. It got the mind moving while his bowels did the same. And what else was there to do once he'd finished scanning five self-allotted minutes of Facebook?

Unfortunately, Toby also allotted himself exactly one solitaire win. How else could he move on with the day if the game didn't finish to its proper completion?

Unfortunately, this day, Toby never won that game.

So he never left the toilet. 

May 7, 2015

Grateful George

Like he did most Mondays, George spent the better part of an hour washing nearly every knife in the house. Granted, most of these knives were used by his wife to cook his lucky-ass dinner, but still, it was a lot of knives. It never used to be this many knives when George and Melinda were just living together. But now they had wedding-knives. And wedding-steak-knives. And that meant washing by hand. Every Monday. Hundreds of them.

April 30, 2015

Daring Don

Don had promised his wife he wouldn't eat the whole pint, but the Chocolate Fudge Brownie had almost reached that perfect consistency – no longer frozen, not quite soupy, little chunks of brownie beginning to soften. And if Don didn't know whether his cholesterol would allow him to see the bottom of another pint anyway, why shouldn't he take a stab at perfection? 

April 27, 2015

Evil Laugh Matt


Self-Help Harry

Harry understood that he was the only one getting in the way of his own happiness, but he was a big scary guy with a black belt and a temper.

April 17, 2015

Luddite Lou

Lou was getting awfully tired of advertisers making him want more stuff he didn't need and wouldn't be able to figure out how to use.

April 14, 2015

April 9, 2015

PC Paul

Paul hoped his Wii wasn't being racist, but it definitely rewarded him for having a black avatar. 

April 3, 2015

Changing It Up Chet

Chet just had a random memory from back when Darcy was crushing his soul, when he was visiting for her graduation, all those years ago. When she was off getting it on with Toby Fucking James. 

All the while Chet searched on and off campus for her, stumbling around like a sad sap. 

As he looked, he ended up at a buddy's house. They needed a drummer. So Chet sat in. But he couldn't find the groove. 

These many years later, that’s why Chet remains just slightly bitter. Cause he couldn’t keep up with a jam. Cause he was wrecked by a woman. 

And now he was mad at himself again for letting the time slip a half step. 

March 30, 2015

Out Ten Bucks


Jason spotted him from the bottom of the hill. Well, the bottom of the hill from where he had started.

Is that the same fucking guy? Yup. Same fucking guy. Same fucking corner. Same pleading look on his face.

And no recognition of Jason.

"Hey man, you got a dollar or two for bus fare? My car broke down and I gotta get my moms to the hospital."

"You said that to me last time, Man," Jason said.

"Sorry Man, I ain't got no job."

"Well, neither do I." Well, not full-time.

Jason’s wife’s job, combined with his steady part-time work allowed Jason to use that super expensive MFA, which no one actually paid him to use.

Still, Jason wasn’t going to give the guy another ten bucks, regardless of what kind of asshole he felt like.

Jason stormed off towards home, the dog barking in time with his raised blood pressure, neuroses… perhaps fear.

Jason let him bark; he did just tell off a homeless guy.  

Who probably didn’t have a wife. 

Maybe she left him.

Maybe she died.

Either way, it looked like the streets were winning.

Jason walked his ridiculously well-fed dog back to a warm house to eat a lovingly cooked dinner.  

And he knew he was the asshole again. 

Guilty.

But at least he wasn’t out another ten bucks. 

March 25, 2015

A Boy and His Dog and Simon & Garfunkel

Once upon a time there was a boy who sang as if God we're his ventriloquist.

But along the open road, the boy lost his heavenly voice, he couldn't even be sure where. 

One day, the boy found a dog who barked like a hurricane, like the Scorpions kind of hurricane. The rocking kind.

So the boy took the dog in. Unfortunately, the boy was homeless. 

The boy and the dog hit the street, the only home that would have them. But it bonded them tighter than any roof could, and they made themselves a home without walls. 

Though both had been self-described lone wolves before, now, neither could see the logic in that. They were pack now; forever.

Though the boy's divine voice still escaped him, he felt the air in his lungs getting stronger with each packspent day. Until one day, out of the heavenly blue, it was as if God, the puppet master of fate, reached out once again and put his hand up the boy's butt. And the spirit so powerfully moved the boy, he became compelled to sing gleefully to the wind. 

Upon hearing his master's soulful song, the dog joined in too, with a sublime ear for harmony, and just the slightest hint of a German accent.

It took a while, but eventually the dog and the boy came together, and by listening to each other, as pack members, they easily became one harmonious whole. They started a duet, loosely influenced by Simon & Garfunkel and Extreme. 

Like heaven and hell never parted, together, the boy and the dog created harmony so expansive it floated upon the summer wind of change, and the wings of angels, for all the world to hear.    

March 24, 2015

Charlie Barker

When Charlie Barker was just a wee pup, his master used to tell him no. 

But Charlie Barker is such a spirit, the universe just makes him blow.



March 23, 2015

Seattle Walking Can Be at Times Rainy


Since moving to Seattle, most of my transportation away from home occurs whilst walking. Two dog walks a day, usually in opposite directions, usually at least one trip to the coffee shop. Maybe the local pub if I'm "working" on my screenplay.

Everyday I see something interesting. So I'm going to try and get in the habit of posting at least one thing that caught my eye along the way.

While I may very well give up this practice tomorrow, today I saw a somewhat plump girl running in the frigid rain in just a very wet t-shirt that wasn't doing a very good job of keeping her warm and dry. Although it did a heckuva job showing off her fine form.

Her running form, People, sheesh. Perverts.

Okay, yes, her boobs were flopping in a wonderful way, but I was more focused on her face, well, perhaps equally focused during the two seconds it took her to pass by the coffee shop's panoramic view.

Boy did she look like she missed her jacket as she plodded along during the rainiest part of the day. Perhaps she was thrown off by the early rain and long stretch of afternoon sun? I too have been fooled by Seattle's mercurial nature, so I could easily recognize a girl who thought the worst was behind us.

Still, she had to run on. And run harder, for what else could she do? Walk into a coffee shop with her boobs all gloriously about?  No, into the storm she ran. In spite of it!

Anyways, the determination on her face was inspirational. And though I would've been more impressed if she were running uphill, she still takes the cake for the most interesting thing I saw along the way today. So now it's documented.

March 17, 2015

Educated Ed


Ed sent Penny two stories, neither of which he actually read, yet both he knew to be true at headline level.

Headline 1:

Are Men Idiots Who Do Stupid Things? Study Says Yes

Headline 2: 

99% of All Farts Don't Smell 

In Ed's ever-failing quest to reveal his true self to Penny, he hoped she would also accept these statements as truth. 

Then he polished off a delicious salt shake. 

March 10, 2015

that said


Not that i have anything really bothering me, other than it all. But being in a new town, getting to know Seattle for all its very good and all its kinda surprisingly bad, well, i should be writing about it. 

Though this has lately been a cartoon blog, i still feel like it's the right medium for my Seattle musings. 

Comics and musings are obviously related; the only way to look at life is comically. Especially in Seattle.

This place is a bit bonkers. And real. Like not joking around. Not like Playa del Rey seemed to be.

No. Far too serious here. The part of it I've gotten to know, anyhow. Which I just don't get. Like the kids in high school who always felt wronged and needed to pursue justice and dress weird because it was their right to.  

I'm all for justice, but can't humor still be righteous?

I'm new here. And springtime does seem to be loosening everything up. Spectacularly so, even. 

Still, there was an armed robbery in broad daylight on my corner today, from what I read online. And I still feel like going for a walk on that corner at dusk, because the glory of dusk is powerful enough to dissipate the stench of crime and need and gentrification and discord. 

Or so it is for me. Or so it is today. 

March 9, 2015

Tied-Up Tim

Before going on his afternoon walk, Tim spent the better part of five minutes trying to remember if he had gotten high yet. Finally, Tim decided it was better to be safe than sorry.

December 17, 2014

What-Was-That Walt



“It’s not that I wasn’t listening, Honey, it’s that I forgot what I heard when I was listening.”

December 15, 2014

Death-Obsessed David

David always had an irrational fear of sharks, until one day, Brie explained that he'd have a much better chance of being killed by a falling coconut than by a man-eating shark. 

After that, David always had an irrational fear of sharks and coconuts. 

December 13, 2014

Stiffy Steve

Steve used to be embarrassed by his constant erection, but now that he was hitting strictly on cougars, it was a huge asset.

If he could just get it to go down on holidays.

December 12, 2014

Aloof AdPock

AdPock had been ignoring Missy since they first started dating. But now that they were married, she deeply resented it.

December 10, 2014

Bong Hit Bob

Bob was way into the communal concept of getting high at 4:20, but if he waited till then, he'd waste half his day.